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Me duele y me agobia notar con qué frecuencia tengo pensamientos hirientes y castigadores hacia mi cuerpa.
Hago un trabajo diario de conexión con mis latidos, mis respiraciones, mis entrañas, mi Útera, para sanar.
Sané muchas heridas, florecí, estoy dando y creando vida dentro de mi.
Nunca fui una mujer que se preocupara demasiado por su imagen, por su físico. Me gusta mucho cocinar todo lo que como, investigar qué producen en mi los alimentos y respetar mi nutrición, pero rara vez lo hice por un mandato estético.
Más relacionado está a una curiosidad, a una personalidad bastante nerd y un poco obesesiva, en cuanto a todo lo que me gusta y disfruto hacer; y los últimos años lo que me gusta hacer tiene mucho que ver con conectar y estudiar mi cuerpo físico, emocional y energético.
Hace un año, fui diagnosticada con Endometriosis, después de largos años de dolor e incetidumbre. Tuve tres quistes en ambos ovarios, de 4, 5 y 6 cm, y una cirugía Laparoscópica para removerlos.
Elegí seguir sanando sin medicación, ni hormonas, aprendiendo a conectar con mis necesidades emocionales, físicas, intelectuales y energéticas.
Esto lo hice con ayuda de otras mujeres amigas y maestras, a través de Yoga, Círculos de Mujeres, ejercicios de respiración, Meditación y Nutrición.
Por deseo y elección, hace 22 semanas estoy gestando a mi hijo.
Se me estruja el corazón de emoción y se me llenan los ojos de lágrimas cuando pienso y siento esta vida crecer dentro de mi. Cuando me doy cuenta de lo que soy capaz como mujer gestante, de lo que está generando mi cuerpo.
Está fuera del alcance de toda comprensión posible y de cualquier intento de querer controlar algo de lo que sucede y cambia constantemente.
Mi cuerpo y mi espíritu han cambiado a lo largo de mis 30 años. Pero nunca a esta velocidad, ni a esta profundidad.
Sentir a mi cuerpo abriéndole lugar a mi hijo que crece, en movimientos que se perciben como placas tectónicas cambiando su lugar y creando un espacio vivo nuevo.
A un ritmo constante, sútil y tantas veces imperceptible en sus más complejas y sensibles formas.
No encuentro palabras de agradecimiento a la Naturaleza, ni a mi misma por esta experiencia que transito, tan mágica.
Pero no es solo hermosura el proceso para mi.
Los primeros tres meses pasé por días de mucha angustia. Una tristeza profunda, algo que sentía y vivía con mucha culpa y que me costaba procesar.
Me tomó unas semanas y unos buenos diálogos con hermanas comprender que no solo transitaba el comienzo de una vida, sino también, un duelo.
Una parte de mi ser individual le está dando paso a mi ser maternal, y mi yo se transforma profundamente, e inevitablemente algo en mi muere. Como toda naturaleza cíclina, es vida-muerte-vida.
Lo transito, y sé que recién experimento un pedazito pequeño de lo que este proceso será.
Lo voy aceptando, algunos días mejor y feliz, y otros con un poco de miedo y resistencia.
A partir de la semana 20, la panza empezó a salir. El cuerpo se agranda, se estira.
Hace ruido, duele.
Pesa.
Y en este pesar, aparecen pensamientos ya masticados, no buscados, ni articulados por mi.
Dudas. Inseguridades.
"Cuánto peso?
Cuánto voy a aumentar?
Lo voy a poder bajar?
Estaré haciendo las cosas bien?
Estoy comiendo mucho?
Me veo bien?"
Dos semanas de este tipo de preguntas casi subconcientes que hasta me avergüenza compartir, en un entramado interior,
me persiguen más fuerte que nunca.
Lo comparto en familia, me río, me preocupo, "es normal pensar esas cosas" me dicen, me digo que está todo bien.
Pero no está todo bien.
Hoy en Yoga, me paro en el mat, como todas las mañanas, y me enfrento a mis demonios, como algunas de todas esas mañanas.
Se me endurece la panza. Me pesa. No tengo mucha movilidad. Me cuesta la práctica.
Me cuesta fluir, la autoaceptación está lejos hoy.
Después de una hora y media ardua, llego a Savasana, relajo.
Y en ese momento, a diferencia de los días anteriores, me tomo más tiempo para respirar y sentir cómo esa respiración conecta las partes de mi cuerpo con mi conciencia.
Y...no me lo esperaba, a través del dolor en el vientre empiezan a salir todas estas preguntas y pensamientos hirientes desde la piel, desde mis órganos, desde mi Útero.
Estos pensamientos de auto castigo con los que las mujeres crecimos y nos formamos.
No, no está todo bien.
Duele. Hacen mierda. Nos lastiman. Nos enferman. Nos matan.
Nos sacan energía, tiempo y lucidez para hacer las cosas que queremos hacer, para crear, para luchar, para gestar, para maternar, para amar, para nutrirnos a nosotras mismas, para relacionarnos con los demás sanamente, para organizarnos, para leer, articular, pensar, inventar nuevas formas.
Viene por ahí.
Nos debilita.
Nos somete. Nos alecciona.
Nos direcciona la tristeza, el enojo, la frustración.
Nos confunde.
Yo ya aprendí que el amor propio se construye y se practica diariamente, y es un trabajo muy dificil en esta sociedad.
Cómo duele darme cuenta que el trabajo es minuto a minuto.
La sanación no es algo lineal, no hay fin, es un camino, un proceso.
Desarticular al patriarcado es desarticularnos a nosotras mismas. No solo las relaciones con los demás.
Es un florecimiento que se compone de pequeños actos revolucionarios y de emancipación cotidianos.
Hoy mi acto revolucionario fue parar, respirar, conectar con mi cuerpo, con mi dolor, mis presiones y llorar.
Expulsarlas.
Llorar y expresar el abuso. Reconocerlo.
Compartirlo con mis hermanas mágicas.
Y sanar un poquito más.
THE WAY WE SPEAK TO OURSELVES
It hurts me and it overwhelms me to notice how often I have hurtful and punishing thoughts towards my body.
I do a daily work of connection with my heartbeat, my breath, my gut, my Uterus, in order to heal.
I healed many wounds, I flourished, I am giving and creating life within me.
I healed many wounds, I flourished, I am giving and creating life within me.
I was never a woman who cared too much for her image, for her physique. I love cooking everything I eat, and researching what food produces in my body, respecting my nutrition, but I rarely do it for an aesthetic mandate.
More related is to a curiosity, a rather nerdy and a little obsessive personality towards everything that I like and enjoy doing; and the last years what I like to do has a lot to do with connecting and studying my physical, emotional and energetic body.
A year ago, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, after long years of pain and uncertainty.
I had three cysts in both ovaries, of 4, 5 and 6 cm, and a Laparoscopic surgery to remove them.
I chose to continue healing without medication or hormones, learning to connect with my emotional, physical, intellectual and energetic needs.
This I did it with the help of other women-friends and teachers, through Yoga, Women's Circle, breathing exercises, Meditation and Nutrition.
I chose to continue healing without medication or hormones, learning to connect with my emotional, physical, intellectual and energetic needs.
This I did it with the help of other women-friends and teachers, through Yoga, Women's Circle, breathing exercises, Meditation and Nutrition.
By desire and choice, 22 weeks ago I am pregnant with my son.
My heart squeezes with emotion and my eyes fill with tears when I think and feel this life growing inside me.
My heart squeezes with emotion and my eyes fill with tears when I think and feel this life growing inside me.
When I realize what I am capable of as a pregnant woman, what my body is creating.
It is beyond the reach of every possible understanding and any attempt to control something that happens and changes constantly.
It is beyond the reach of every possible understanding and any attempt to control something that happens and changes constantly.
My body and my spirit have changed throughout my 30 years.
But never at this speed, nor at this depth.
Feel my body opening place to my growing child, in movements that are perceived as tectonic plates changing their place and creating a new living space.
At a constant pace, subtle and so often imperceptible in its most complex and sensitive forms.
I do not find words of gratitude to Nature, nor to myself for this experience that I'm experiencing, so magical.
But is not only love and beauty the process for me.
The first three months I went through days of great anguish.
Feel my body opening place to my growing child, in movements that are perceived as tectonic plates changing their place and creating a new living space.
At a constant pace, subtle and so often imperceptible in its most complex and sensitive forms.
I do not find words of gratitude to Nature, nor to myself for this experience that I'm experiencing, so magical.
But is not only love and beauty the process for me.
The first three months I went through days of great anguish.
A deep sadness, something that I felt and lived with a lot of guilt and that took me a lot to process.
It took me a few weeks and some good dialogues with some of my sisters to understand that not only was the beginning of a life, but also, I was grieving.
It took me a few weeks and some good dialogues with some of my sisters to understand that not only was the beginning of a life, but also, I was grieving.
A part of my individual being is giving space to my maternal being, and my self is profoundly transformed, and inevitably something in me is dying.
Like all cyclic nature, it is life-death-life.
I'm going walking through it, and I know I've just experienced a tiny little bit of what this process will be like.
I accept it, some days better and happier, and others with some fear and resistance.
From week 20, the belly started to come out. The body is getting bigger, is stretching.
It makes noises, it hurts.
I feel the weight.
I accept it, some days better and happier, and others with some fear and resistance.
From week 20, the belly started to come out. The body is getting bigger, is stretching.
It makes noises, it hurts.
I feel the weight.
And in together with these feelings, thoughts already chewed, not created or articulated by me, appear.
Doubts. Insecurities.
"How much do I weight?
How much will I gain?
Will I be able to loose it?
Am I doing everything all right?
Am I eating a lot?
Do I look good?"
Two weeks of these kind of almost subconscious questions that I am ashamed to share, in a deep interior framework, chase me harder than ever.
I share it with my family, I laugh, I worry, "it is normal to think that" they tell me, I tell myself that everything is fine.
But everything is not fine.
Today in Yoga, I stand on the mat, like every morning, and I face my demons, like some of those mornings.
My belly tightens. I do not have much mobility. It's hard for me to practice.
It's hard for me to flow, self-acceptance is far away today.
Doubts. Insecurities.
"How much do I weight?
How much will I gain?
Will I be able to loose it?
Am I doing everything all right?
Am I eating a lot?
Do I look good?"
Two weeks of these kind of almost subconscious questions that I am ashamed to share, in a deep interior framework, chase me harder than ever.
I share it with my family, I laugh, I worry, "it is normal to think that" they tell me, I tell myself that everything is fine.
But everything is not fine.
Today in Yoga, I stand on the mat, like every morning, and I face my demons, like some of those mornings.
My belly tightens. I do not have much mobility. It's hard for me to practice.
It's hard for me to flow, self-acceptance is far away today.
After an arduous hour and a half, I reach Savasana, I relax.
And at that moment, unlike the previous days, I take more time to breathe and feel how that breath connects the parts of my body with my consciousness.
And ... I did not expect it, through the pain in the womb all these questions and hurtful thoughts begin to come out from my skin, from my organs, from my Uterus.
These thoughts of self-punishment with which us, women, grew up with and formed with.
No, it's not all right.
It aches. It destroy us. It hurt us. It make us sick. It kill us.
It takes energy, time and lucidity to do the things we want to do, to create, to fight, to grow, to mothered, to love, to nurture ourselves, to relate to others in a healthy way, to organize ourselves, to read, articulate , think, invent new ways.
And at that moment, unlike the previous days, I take more time to breathe and feel how that breath connects the parts of my body with my consciousness.
And ... I did not expect it, through the pain in the womb all these questions and hurtful thoughts begin to come out from my skin, from my organs, from my Uterus.
These thoughts of self-punishment with which us, women, grew up with and formed with.
No, it's not all right.
It aches. It destroy us. It hurt us. It make us sick. It kill us.
It takes energy, time and lucidity to do the things we want to do, to create, to fight, to grow, to mothered, to love, to nurture ourselves, to relate to others in a healthy way, to organize ourselves, to read, articulate , think, invent new ways.
It weakens us.
It brings us under. It lectures us.
It re-directs our anger, our sadness, our frustration.
It confuses us.
How it hurts to realize that the work it has to be done minute by minute.
Healing is not something linear, there is no end, it is a path, a process.
To get rid of Patriarchy is to disarticulate ourselves. Not only our relationships with others.
It is a blossoming that is composed of small revolutionary acts and daily emancipation.
It is a blossoming that is composed of small revolutionary acts and daily emancipation.
Today my revolutionary act was to stop, breathe, connect with my body, with my pain, my pressures and cry.
Get them out of my unconscious body.
Cry and express the abuse. Recognize it.
Share it with my magical sisters.
And heal a little more.
