♥ Abajo de todo, está la versión en Español !!
----
I felt the need to write about my experience with Endometriosis, because as a good friend of mind told me the other day, we need to re-gain the written and the spoken word between us women. History tried to erase our knowledge: women wisdom. But it is a wisdom that lies within us all.
----
I felt the need to write about my experience with Endometriosis, because as a good friend of mind told me the other day, we need to re-gain the written and the spoken word between us women. History tried to erase our knowledge: women wisdom. But it is a wisdom that lies within us all.
We are living in a time that is crucial to re-take this space, to share the knowledge we have between each other, between our friends, our mothers, our daughters.
Endometriosis is a disorder where endometrial-like tissue (like that which lines the uterus) is present in other parts of the body.
In most cases, this growth happens on and around organs in the pelvic cavity. Causing extremely pain and discomfort.
It is really hard to diagnose, and doctors don't know so much about it. Actually they can only diagnose it with a Laparoscopy surgery. Which I had.
But, I would like to tell you a bit more about my story and how I treat Endometriosis without the Birth Control Pill or any medication.
Since I bled for the first time I remember having terrible menstrual cramps.
So bad that some days I couldn't even walk. But to be honest I never thought about the possibility of slowing down, of changing the kind of activity I was doing those days, of missing school or work because of it.
I grew up in a family (well, a society actually) where showing yourself as vulnerable, tired, weak, "needy" was a reason to be ashamed of. Not possible.
Long story short, I went through a lot of stress as a kid. But since an early age I was afraid of showing myself weak or sad.
I was supposed to be better than that. Stronger.
Years went by...I grew up, and started to have really toxic love-relationships.
Some worst than others, but basically I was enable to recognize love as something healthy. Whenever a boy or later a man, loved me for what I was, and respected me, I just couldn't get emotionally involved. I rejected them, and instead I went for the ones who mistreated me. The ones who didn't respect who I was, how I was. And the ones who make me feel completely lost and insecure. I had one boyfriend who I let him mistreated me physically.
But know I think, there is no real difference between physical and psychological violence.
This distinction is only made by the Patriarchy so that women who are being mistreated in a psychological way,
can have an excuse for the abuse: "at least he is not hitting me" they repeat in their minds.
Otherwise how many women would have to re-think and leave their boyfriends and husbands ...right?
In the name of love, I supported a lot of shitty situations, emotions, feelings, scenes, words, days, nights, tears...and as my young self I was able to take it all, to shut it down, to put it in a little box and covered it.
And covered it, and covered it. For years.
In the mean time, I became a documentary film editor,and I was working around 12 hours a day. Or even more...
Super enthusiastic about it. I loooove films and my career used to be something that defined who I was.
The film industry is an industry ruled by men. Now its slowly changing. But there was no place for women's sensitivity, not for real. No place to do things differently. No place for weakness. No place for tiredness.
You just have to give everything you have. In the name of "Art".
There is always something more to give. And I, personally, always found something more to give.
Time, duties, ideas, space...you name it!
I could always take more pressure...no problem !
When I was 24, I had a pretty good career path already in Buenos Aires, but after a really bad experience working with a director who was abusing her power over everybody and no one -ever- stopped her, I started to have panic attacks.
It was some time after finishing the job. But I was able to identified that it was a response of my body, for being under so much stress and not being able to speak at the right moment.
Somehow this situation was echoing past experiences in my life, where I also couldn't talk and express my self and feelings on time.
I think this was the first time I had a clear message of my body, telling me something was wrong.
I moved to Berlin when I was 26. Repeated the toxic relationship.
I abused drugs, over-worked, over-gave my self to everyone but me, and really hit the bottom.
After several panic and crying attacks in the street, feeling totally empty, years and years of psychotherapy that was only feeding a mind-loop game,I started to become aware that I needed to seek within myself.
The first stage of my healing process, took me around 2 years. I started to practice yoga and stop taking drugs (I was just using them as a way to cover my deepest feelings).
It was a process of accepting the patterns I was carrying from my childhood, acknowledging them. Trying to stay away from men who were toxic to me, in order not to fall for them again.
I literally said to me, that I didn't trust myself to choose a partner.
During that time, I was having irregular periods, not every month. Maybe every three months. And constant pain.
Constant lower belly pain and cramps. I was going insane. Doctors told me I had nothing.
So I convinced myself the pain was in my head, and was related with my stress level and the way I ate.
I got super strict with my vegan diet, stop eating flour, and I tried not to eat dinner, because the cramps got really bad at night.
I did acupuncture, that really helped me emotionally. But didn't change so much the physical state.
The symptoms were:
•Heavy cramps
•Lower back, abdomen and lower belly pain
•Bloated
•Irregular and heavy menstrual flow
•Constipation
•Pain during sex
I was doing two hours of Ashtanga yoga every morning, then working long hours as a film editor sitting in a computer, living in a foreign country where they speak a language is still hard for me to speak fluently, and living SUPER PISSED at me and at my body because of these pains.
Until one day I was having sex and the pain and discomfort I felt were SO strong that I had to go to the Hospital right away.
To keep it simple they found three cysts, pretty big...6, 5 and 4 cm, in both ovaries. My doctor transferred me to a Surgeon because they said a Laparoscopy to remove them was my best option. As they were so big, and I was under so much pain.
I had surgery 2 months after that. And during the Laparoscopy they found Endometriosis. It was spread on my bladder and my intestines.
But even my doctor, who was the Eminence in Endometriosis in Germany, couldn't explain the causes.
It wasn't until I got home from the Hospital, that I realized the amount of pain I was going through for over two years.
But I wasn't really able to express it. And communicate it, nor to myself or my beloved ones.
I always thought I could actually take more, do more, give more.
I read Ginecología Natural, by Pabla Perez San Martín, and specially a chapter that is called La Matriz Herida (The wounded womb) got me so deep, I couldn't stop crying for hours.
I realized I was holding a lot of anger towards my mom. Even I love her so fucking much, and we are really really close, I was holding so much pain and anger because of the things I didn't learn when I was growing up.
Like taking care of myself first. Not letting other people hurt me. Be able to think about myself in a highly way. Value and respect my body and my limits. Always think about myself as worth of. Not letting other people walk over me. Be able to speak up. Not to be fearful of my own voice, my own needs, my own desires.
Value and honor my womanhood.
And then it hit me. My mom, went through the same as me. And most of women do.
Society shape us, not to trust ourselves. Always seeking approval outside of us.
And if we want to succeed in this society, we need to "man up". Otherwise we will stay as housewives in the kitchen. Right?
I was for years, repeating a story of violence, of abuse, of mistreatment. Not only my mom's story.
But most of the women I know. I've seen. My role models. My social models. My grandmother who couldn't follow her dream to study Medicine because her parents didn't support her, as they did with her brother.
The place of the woman in our society, is the one of the woman who is good to others, and do not care about her self, about her needs. She is always pleasing everyone but her. The one who pleased her self is a bitch, a whore, a selfish being. A bad mother. A women who rest is a woman who is weak. A woman who cries is a woman who is emotionally unstable.
In the most simple and small daily situations women give up their spaces, their emotional well-being.
But at that moment I wasn't so aware of the word "woman". I wasn't aware of what does it mean to be a Feminist.
And what it meant to me.
For two weeks I had to stay at home. Because of the surgery. I couldn't go out. I couldn't work. I HAD TO REST.
No distractions.
And with the support of specific books and simple meditation techniques, I experienced something in my body that I didn't experience with any of the - many- drugs I tried in my life.
And this was a connection with Mother Earth and my true feminine nature.
It is hard to explain with words, because is something that I felt. It didn't go through my intellect.
I just felt one with the Universe. I felt my magic. My womanhood: my powers, my wisdom. I opened as a flower to the light of the sun. And my body started to follow with the phases of the Moon. Her energy had a place inside of me now. And I started to heal. I could really feel my body healing.
Not only from Endometriosis, but for the pain I was carrying for my hole life.
BTW My mom had a emergency surgery in her Uterus, the same week I had mine...our connections to our mothers and the mothers of our mothers goes really deep into the Earth...is no joke!!
When my Gynecologist recommended me to take the Birth Control Pill to avoid my Endometriosis to come back, I told her NO.
I stopped. I listened to my inner voice.
I read, not the voices of the doctors who studied in the Patriarchal Universities. But the books of the women who carried stories from generations to generations. The women who were shut down. The ones who were burned to death. The ones who trusted their bodies and their sisters, who honored their blood.
In those books they speak about Endometriosis as a condition of woman who tend not to listen to their inner voices.
Who tend to please other people, instead of them selves. To tend to over-work and over-give.
And I learned our womb is our emotional center. Is where we hold our experiences, our feelings.
And I felt blessed.
I felt grateful to my body.
Grateful to be able to listen to my body so clear.
And I decided not to take any medication. I didn't want to block my feelings, my emotions, my true states again.
How I decided to treat it?
♥ I breathe into my womb at least 15 minutes a day. I connect with my Uterus, and my emotional center.
♥ I learn to listen to my intuition. If I feel something is not right to me, I try to give it space. Emotions are real things!!!! They are our inner voice telling us what is best for us.
♥ Learn to do less things and rest more. Trying to unlearn what society demands of us as "normal" in terms of activity.
♥ I eat healthy- but right now- I'm learning not to become too obsessive about it. Because this can be harmful as well.
♥ I speak about these issues with my family, friends and my partner (btw. after all this healing process I'm in a beautiful relationship with a beautiful and feminist man!)
♥ I honor my blood and track my cycle (you can check the other post on the blog about this)
♥ I take Ayurvedic herbs, prescribed by my Ayurvedic doctor. Because Ayurveda is a science that understands that we are body-mind beings in relationship with the Nature and its phases.
♥ I learned to express my emotions and to name my traumatic experiences.
♥ And I don't allow anyone to mistreat me. EVER.
I'm still in the process of understanding, accepting, feeling and healing.
It is an every day practice.
For example, as an editor, now I don't work more that 6 hours a day.
And I try to work from home, or from a place I really enjoy working.
And the most important, with people and in projects that are nourishing to me.
Still learning, with the help of my yoga teachers, to listen to my inner voice and to practice with compassion and patience
towards my body. And accepting if some days I feel more tired, or just want to do less.
And everyday I feel deeply thankful to my body to speak to me.
And I wouldn't let anyone, anymore, to shut it up.
Not again. Not with violence, not with medications.
If I'm tired, I rest.
If I don't like something, I say it.
If I have cramps, I stopped. And I think about my past, and possible issues I'm holding on to.
If I feel burning sensations in my stomach, I reflect on my current situation, if there is something I'm not being able to express, to my self or to others.
The first step to heal, is to put ourselves in contact with our interior and emotional pain.
If we don't, the most probable thing is that pain, will come back to you. Maybe you won't feel it as Endometriosis if you take the Pill, but you will feel it somewhere else.
Because our bodies are wise. They won't shut up.
They speak.
And we think our body is our enemy, when it says things that are difficult for us to hear or to accept, to acknowledge.
We are our body. Our body is us.
Take the opportunity to reflect on your life style. On your past. On your relationships. On the way you give yourself to others.
Now it is revolutionary to live respecting your own flow.
I feel blessed with my experience with Endometriosis. Because it enabled a journey within.
Specially the female body it is emotional. It is specially sensitive to the energy of Nature.
Of its seasons, the phases of the Moon.
Patriarchy taught us to be afraid of our bodies, of our emotions, as if they are uncontrollable.
How do you feel the experiences in your body? Do you give yourself time to feel them?
Try to name the things that harm you. Feel them. Acknowledge them, and let them go.
Let the energetic flow take away the pain, the fear. Do not block it. Do not cover it.
Because if we block it: a feeling, an intuition, a sensation, an emotion, it will appear in our body as physical pain or sickness.
The most important relationship, is the one you have with yourself.
Honor and nourish it every day!
Love!
iara
References:
- Women's bodies, Women's wisdom , by Christiane Northrup
- Ginecología Natural, by Pabla Perez San Martín
- Clue App: https://helloclue.com/articles/cycle-a-z/endometriosis-101
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
ENDOMETRIOSIS: EL PROCESO DE SENTIR Y SANAR
Endometriosis is a disorder where endometrial-like tissue (like that which lines the uterus) is present in other parts of the body.
In most cases, this growth happens on and around organs in the pelvic cavity. Causing extremely pain and discomfort.
It is really hard to diagnose, and doctors don't know so much about it. Actually they can only diagnose it with a Laparoscopy surgery. Which I had.
But, I would like to tell you a bit more about my story and how I treat Endometriosis without the Birth Control Pill or any medication.
Since I bled for the first time I remember having terrible menstrual cramps.
So bad that some days I couldn't even walk. But to be honest I never thought about the possibility of slowing down, of changing the kind of activity I was doing those days, of missing school or work because of it.
I grew up in a family (well, a society actually) where showing yourself as vulnerable, tired, weak, "needy" was a reason to be ashamed of. Not possible.
Long story short, I went through a lot of stress as a kid. But since an early age I was afraid of showing myself weak or sad.
I was supposed to be better than that. Stronger.
Years went by...I grew up, and started to have really toxic love-relationships.
Some worst than others, but basically I was enable to recognize love as something healthy. Whenever a boy or later a man, loved me for what I was, and respected me, I just couldn't get emotionally involved. I rejected them, and instead I went for the ones who mistreated me. The ones who didn't respect who I was, how I was. And the ones who make me feel completely lost and insecure. I had one boyfriend who I let him mistreated me physically.
But know I think, there is no real difference between physical and psychological violence.
This distinction is only made by the Patriarchy so that women who are being mistreated in a psychological way,
can have an excuse for the abuse: "at least he is not hitting me" they repeat in their minds.
Otherwise how many women would have to re-think and leave their boyfriends and husbands ...right?
In the name of love, I supported a lot of shitty situations, emotions, feelings, scenes, words, days, nights, tears...and as my young self I was able to take it all, to shut it down, to put it in a little box and covered it.
And covered it, and covered it. For years.
In the mean time, I became a documentary film editor,and I was working around 12 hours a day. Or even more...
Super enthusiastic about it. I loooove films and my career used to be something that defined who I was.
The film industry is an industry ruled by men. Now its slowly changing. But there was no place for women's sensitivity, not for real. No place to do things differently. No place for weakness. No place for tiredness.
You just have to give everything you have. In the name of "Art".
There is always something more to give. And I, personally, always found something more to give.
Time, duties, ideas, space...you name it!
I could always take more pressure...no problem !
When I was 24, I had a pretty good career path already in Buenos Aires, but after a really bad experience working with a director who was abusing her power over everybody and no one -ever- stopped her, I started to have panic attacks.
It was some time after finishing the job. But I was able to identified that it was a response of my body, for being under so much stress and not being able to speak at the right moment.
Somehow this situation was echoing past experiences in my life, where I also couldn't talk and express my self and feelings on time.
I think this was the first time I had a clear message of my body, telling me something was wrong.
I moved to Berlin when I was 26. Repeated the toxic relationship.
I abused drugs, over-worked, over-gave my self to everyone but me, and really hit the bottom.
After several panic and crying attacks in the street, feeling totally empty, years and years of psychotherapy that was only feeding a mind-loop game,I started to become aware that I needed to seek within myself.
The first stage of my healing process, took me around 2 years. I started to practice yoga and stop taking drugs (I was just using them as a way to cover my deepest feelings).
It was a process of accepting the patterns I was carrying from my childhood, acknowledging them. Trying to stay away from men who were toxic to me, in order not to fall for them again.
I literally said to me, that I didn't trust myself to choose a partner.
During that time, I was having irregular periods, not every month. Maybe every three months. And constant pain.
Constant lower belly pain and cramps. I was going insane. Doctors told me I had nothing.
So I convinced myself the pain was in my head, and was related with my stress level and the way I ate.
I got super strict with my vegan diet, stop eating flour, and I tried not to eat dinner, because the cramps got really bad at night.
I did acupuncture, that really helped me emotionally. But didn't change so much the physical state.
The symptoms were:
•Heavy cramps
•Lower back, abdomen and lower belly pain
•Bloated
•Irregular and heavy menstrual flow
•Constipation
•Pain during sex
I was doing two hours of Ashtanga yoga every morning, then working long hours as a film editor sitting in a computer, living in a foreign country where they speak a language is still hard for me to speak fluently, and living SUPER PISSED at me and at my body because of these pains.
Until one day I was having sex and the pain and discomfort I felt were SO strong that I had to go to the Hospital right away.
To keep it simple they found three cysts, pretty big...6, 5 and 4 cm, in both ovaries. My doctor transferred me to a Surgeon because they said a Laparoscopy to remove them was my best option. As they were so big, and I was under so much pain.
I had surgery 2 months after that. And during the Laparoscopy they found Endometriosis. It was spread on my bladder and my intestines.
But even my doctor, who was the Eminence in Endometriosis in Germany, couldn't explain the causes.
It wasn't until I got home from the Hospital, that I realized the amount of pain I was going through for over two years.
But I wasn't really able to express it. And communicate it, nor to myself or my beloved ones.
I always thought I could actually take more, do more, give more.
I read Ginecología Natural, by Pabla Perez San Martín, and specially a chapter that is called La Matriz Herida (The wounded womb) got me so deep, I couldn't stop crying for hours.
I realized I was holding a lot of anger towards my mom. Even I love her so fucking much, and we are really really close, I was holding so much pain and anger because of the things I didn't learn when I was growing up.
Like taking care of myself first. Not letting other people hurt me. Be able to think about myself in a highly way. Value and respect my body and my limits. Always think about myself as worth of. Not letting other people walk over me. Be able to speak up. Not to be fearful of my own voice, my own needs, my own desires.
Value and honor my womanhood.
And then it hit me. My mom, went through the same as me. And most of women do.
Society shape us, not to trust ourselves. Always seeking approval outside of us.
And if we want to succeed in this society, we need to "man up". Otherwise we will stay as housewives in the kitchen. Right?
I was for years, repeating a story of violence, of abuse, of mistreatment. Not only my mom's story.
But most of the women I know. I've seen. My role models. My social models. My grandmother who couldn't follow her dream to study Medicine because her parents didn't support her, as they did with her brother.
The place of the woman in our society, is the one of the woman who is good to others, and do not care about her self, about her needs. She is always pleasing everyone but her. The one who pleased her self is a bitch, a whore, a selfish being. A bad mother. A women who rest is a woman who is weak. A woman who cries is a woman who is emotionally unstable.
In the most simple and small daily situations women give up their spaces, their emotional well-being.
But at that moment I wasn't so aware of the word "woman". I wasn't aware of what does it mean to be a Feminist.
And what it meant to me.
For two weeks I had to stay at home. Because of the surgery. I couldn't go out. I couldn't work. I HAD TO REST.
No distractions.
And with the support of specific books and simple meditation techniques, I experienced something in my body that I didn't experience with any of the - many- drugs I tried in my life.
And this was a connection with Mother Earth and my true feminine nature.
It is hard to explain with words, because is something that I felt. It didn't go through my intellect.
I just felt one with the Universe. I felt my magic. My womanhood: my powers, my wisdom. I opened as a flower to the light of the sun. And my body started to follow with the phases of the Moon. Her energy had a place inside of me now. And I started to heal. I could really feel my body healing.
Not only from Endometriosis, but for the pain I was carrying for my hole life.
BTW My mom had a emergency surgery in her Uterus, the same week I had mine...our connections to our mothers and the mothers of our mothers goes really deep into the Earth...is no joke!!
When my Gynecologist recommended me to take the Birth Control Pill to avoid my Endometriosis to come back, I told her NO.
I stopped. I listened to my inner voice.
I read, not the voices of the doctors who studied in the Patriarchal Universities. But the books of the women who carried stories from generations to generations. The women who were shut down. The ones who were burned to death. The ones who trusted their bodies and their sisters, who honored their blood.
In those books they speak about Endometriosis as a condition of woman who tend not to listen to their inner voices.
Who tend to please other people, instead of them selves. To tend to over-work and over-give.
And I learned our womb is our emotional center. Is where we hold our experiences, our feelings.
And I felt blessed.
I felt grateful to my body.
Grateful to be able to listen to my body so clear.
And I decided not to take any medication. I didn't want to block my feelings, my emotions, my true states again.
How I decided to treat it?
♥ I breathe into my womb at least 15 minutes a day. I connect with my Uterus, and my emotional center.
♥ I learn to listen to my intuition. If I feel something is not right to me, I try to give it space. Emotions are real things!!!! They are our inner voice telling us what is best for us.
♥ Learn to do less things and rest more. Trying to unlearn what society demands of us as "normal" in terms of activity.
♥ I eat healthy- but right now- I'm learning not to become too obsessive about it. Because this can be harmful as well.
♥ I speak about these issues with my family, friends and my partner (btw. after all this healing process I'm in a beautiful relationship with a beautiful and feminist man!)
♥ I honor my blood and track my cycle (you can check the other post on the blog about this)
♥ I take Ayurvedic herbs, prescribed by my Ayurvedic doctor. Because Ayurveda is a science that understands that we are body-mind beings in relationship with the Nature and its phases.
♥ I learned to express my emotions and to name my traumatic experiences.
♥ And I don't allow anyone to mistreat me. EVER.
I'm still in the process of understanding, accepting, feeling and healing.
It is an every day practice.
For example, as an editor, now I don't work more that 6 hours a day.
And I try to work from home, or from a place I really enjoy working.
And the most important, with people and in projects that are nourishing to me.
Still learning, with the help of my yoga teachers, to listen to my inner voice and to practice with compassion and patience
towards my body. And accepting if some days I feel more tired, or just want to do less.
And everyday I feel deeply thankful to my body to speak to me.
And I wouldn't let anyone, anymore, to shut it up.
Not again. Not with violence, not with medications.
If I'm tired, I rest.
If I don't like something, I say it.
If I have cramps, I stopped. And I think about my past, and possible issues I'm holding on to.
If I feel burning sensations in my stomach, I reflect on my current situation, if there is something I'm not being able to express, to my self or to others.
The first step to heal, is to put ourselves in contact with our interior and emotional pain.
If we don't, the most probable thing is that pain, will come back to you. Maybe you won't feel it as Endometriosis if you take the Pill, but you will feel it somewhere else.
Because our bodies are wise. They won't shut up.
They speak.
And we think our body is our enemy, when it says things that are difficult for us to hear or to accept, to acknowledge.
We are our body. Our body is us.
Take the opportunity to reflect on your life style. On your past. On your relationships. On the way you give yourself to others.
Now it is revolutionary to live respecting your own flow.
I feel blessed with my experience with Endometriosis. Because it enabled a journey within.
Specially the female body it is emotional. It is specially sensitive to the energy of Nature.
Of its seasons, the phases of the Moon.
Patriarchy taught us to be afraid of our bodies, of our emotions, as if they are uncontrollable.
How do you feel the experiences in your body? Do you give yourself time to feel them?
Try to name the things that harm you. Feel them. Acknowledge them, and let them go.
Let the energetic flow take away the pain, the fear. Do not block it. Do not cover it.
Because if we block it: a feeling, an intuition, a sensation, an emotion, it will appear in our body as physical pain or sickness.
The most important relationship, is the one you have with yourself.
Honor and nourish it every day!
Love!
iara
References:
- Women's bodies, Women's wisdom , by Christiane Northrup
- Ginecología Natural, by Pabla Perez San Martín
- Clue App: https://helloclue.com/articles/cycle-a-z/endometriosis-101
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
ENDOMETRIOSIS: EL PROCESO DE SENTIR Y SANAR
Me dieron ganas de escribir sobre la Endometriosis porque el otro día hablaba con una amiga de la importancia de re-conquistar la palabra escrita y oral entre nosotras las mujeres. La historia trató de borrar nuestro conocimiento: la sabiduría femenina. Pero es una sabiduría que está dentro de todas nosotras. Solo tenemos que despertarla.
Vivimos en un momento en el que es crucial que tomemos estos espacios, que compartamos el conocimiento entre nosotras, entre amigas, abuelas, madres e hijas.
La endometriosis es una condición en la cual el tejido del endometrio está presente en otras partes del cuerpo.
En la mayoría de los casos, este crecimiento sucede en y alrededor de los órganos de la zona pelvica. Causando mucho dolor e incomodidad.
Es muy dificil de diagnosticar, y de hecho los médicos no saben del todo por qué sucede.
Solo se puede diagnosticar con una Laparoscopía.
Me gustaría contarles un poco más sobre mi historia personal y cómo decidí tratar la Endometriosis sin tomar la pastilla anticonceptiva, ni otra medicación hormonal.
Desde mi primera menstruación, me acuerdo de tener dolores tremendos.
Tan fuertes que algunos días sentía que no podía caminar. Pero, la verdad, es que nunca ni me plantée la posibilidad de bajar un cambio, de cambiar la actividad que hacía durante esos días. De faltar a la escuela, o al trabajo.
Crecí en una familia (en realidad en una sociedad) donde el mostrarse vulnerable, cansada, debil o necesitar algo de los demás era razón para sentirse avergonzada. No era posible.
Para hacerla corta, pasé por situaciones de mucho stress y dolor de chica y adolescente, pero siempre tuve miedo de demostrarlo, de mostrarme débil o triste. Siempre sentí mucha verguenza al hacerlo.
Se suponía que tenía que ser mejor que eso. Tenía que ser más fuerte.
Los años pasaron, crecí, y empecé a tener relaciones de pareja muy tóxicas para mi. Algunas peores que otras, pero básicamente era incapaz de reconocer el amor como algo sano. Siempre que un chico, o después un hombre, se enamoraba de mi por lo que yo era, por cómo era y que me respetaba, yo no podía engancharme emocionalmente.
Los años pasaron, crecí, y empecé a tener relaciones de pareja muy tóxicas para mi. Algunas peores que otras, pero básicamente era incapaz de reconocer el amor como algo sano. Siempre que un chico, o después un hombre, se enamoraba de mi por lo que yo era, por cómo era y que me respetaba, yo no podía engancharme emocionalmente.
Los rechazaba. Y terminaba siempre enamorándome de los que me trataban mal. De los que no me respetaban, ni quien yo era, ni cómo era. Y de los que me hacían sentir completamente perdida e insegura. La peor relación fue con un chico que permití que me maltratara físicamente.
Pero ahora estoy convencida de que en realidad no hay diferencia entre la violencia física y la psicológica.
Esta distinción la genera el Patriarcado para que las mujeres que están siendo maltratadas psicologicamente tengan una excusa a mano, para seguir con esas relaciones “lo grave sería que me pegue” repiten como mantra en sus mentes.
Esta distinción la genera el Patriarcado para que las mujeres que están siendo maltratadas psicologicamente tengan una excusa a mano, para seguir con esas relaciones “lo grave sería que me pegue” repiten como mantra en sus mentes.
Sino cuantan mujeres deberían replantearse y dejar a sus maridos o novios, no?
En el nombre del amor, soporté muchas situaciones de mierda, emociones, sentimientos, escenas, palabras, días, noches, lágrimas, gritos, y como mi yo más pequeña, me la aguanté. Lo callé, lo metí en una cajita y lo tapé.
Lo tapé y lo tapé. Durante años.
Mientras tanto estudié y me convertí en Montajista de documentales, y trabajaba alrededor de 12 horas por días...o a veces más. En varios proyectos al mismo tiempo.
Mientras tanto estudié y me convertí en Montajista de documentales, y trabajaba alrededor de 12 horas por días...o a veces más. En varios proyectos al mismo tiempo.
Muy entusiasta, siempre. Me encanta el cine y mi carrera era algo que me definía como persona.
La industria del cine es una industria regida por hombres. Ahora está cambiando de a poco. Pero no había lugar para la sensibilidad femenina. No la de verdad. No hay lugar para hacer las cosas diferentes. No hay lugar para mostrase débil.
Ni para el cansancio.
Ni para el cansancio.
Simplemente tenés que dar todo lo que tenés. En el nombre del “Arte”.
Siempre hay algo más para dar. Y yo, personalmente, siempre encontraba algo más para dar.
Sea tiempo, tareas, ideas, espacio, cualquier cosa!
Siempre podía aguantar más. No hay drama!
Cuando tenía 24 años, ya tenía un buen panorama de carrera armado en Buenos Aires, pero después de una experiencia muy traumática con una directora que abusaba de su poder con todos los del equipo, y a la cual nadie, nunca, le paraba el carro, empecé a tener ataques de pánico.
Fue un tiempo después de terminar el trabajo. Pero pude identificar que era por haber pasado tanto estrés y maltrato y no haber podido hablar.
Fue un tiempo después de terminar el trabajo. Pero pude identificar que era por haber pasado tanto estrés y maltrato y no haber podido hablar.
De alguna manera, eso me hacía eco con situaciones que había vivido en otros momentos de mi vida y no había podido hablar, ni en ese momento, ni antes.
Creo que esa fue la primera vez que tuve un mensaje claro de mi cuerpo, diciendome que había algo que no estaba funcionando para mi.
Me mudé a Berlín a los 26 años. Repetí el patrón de relación tóxica. Abusé de las drogas, sobre-trabajé, me sobre-entregué a todos, menos a mi y realmente toqué fondo.
Después de varios ataques de pánico y llanto en la calle, de sentirme completamente vacía, sola, de años y años de psicoanalsisis que lo único que hacían era alimentar el loop mental sin salida, empecé a sentir que tenía que buscar adentro mío.
La primer etapa de mi proceso de sanación duró aproximadamente dos años. Empecé yoga y dejé de consumir drogas (en ese momento ya sólo las usaba para tapar mis emociones y mis dolores).
La primer etapa de mi proceso de sanación duró aproximadamente dos años. Empecé yoga y dejé de consumir drogas (en ese momento ya sólo las usaba para tapar mis emociones y mis dolores).
Fue un proceso de enfrentar viejos patrones que acarreaba desde mi infancia, de reconocerlos. Y de tratar de estar alejada de los hombres que me hacían daño, para no volver a “enamorarme” de ellos.
Literalmente me dije a mi misma, que no confiaba en mi para elegir pareja.
Durante todo ese tiempo mi menstruación se volvió irregular. Sangraba cada tres meses más o menos. Y tenía dolores constantes.
Durante todo ese tiempo mi menstruación se volvió irregular. Sangraba cada tres meses más o menos. Y tenía dolores constantes.
Dolor constante de útero, de ovarios, de lumbar, y calambres en el abdomen. Los médicos me decían que no tenía nada.
Así que me convencí de que todo estaba en mi cabeza y de que debía ser por los constante viajes entre Alemania y Argentina, el estres y mi dieta.
Me volví vegana estricta, dejé las harinas y trataba de no cenar. Ya que a la noche los dolores empeoraban.
Empecé acupuntura, que me ayudó muchísimo con mi estado emocional, pero no cambió mucho mi estado físico.
Empecé acupuntura, que me ayudó muchísimo con mi estado emocional, pero no cambió mucho mi estado físico.
Los síntomas eran :
•Fuertes Calambres
•Dolores en las lumbares, abdomen y en el bajo vientre.
•Hinchazón constante
•Menstruación irregular y con dolor
•Constipación
•Dolor durante y después de las relaciones sexuales
•Fuertes Calambres
•Dolores en las lumbares, abdomen y en el bajo vientre.
•Hinchazón constante
•Menstruación irregular y con dolor
•Constipación
•Dolor durante y después de las relaciones sexuales
Practicaba dos horas de Ashtanga Yoga todas las mañanas, después trabajaba muchas horas como editora, sentada en la computadora, vivo en un país en el que el idioma todavía es díficil para mi y vivía constamente enojada y frustrada conmigo y con mi cuerpo por sentir esos dolores.
Hasta que un día teniendo relaciones sexuales el dolor y la incomodidad fueron tan fuertes que tuve que ir a la Guardia inmediatamente.
Para hacerla simple, me encontraron 3 quistes, bastante grandes...6, 5 y 4 cm. En los dos ovarios. Mi médica me derivó a un cirujano, porque me dijeron que tenía que removerlos con una Laparoscopía, ya que eran muy grandes y yo estaba con tanto dolor, que sólo quería que me los saquen.
Tuve la cirugía 2 meses después. Y al abrirme, descubrieron la Endometriosis. El tejido había crecido en mi vejiga y en los intestinos.
Pero ni siquiera mi médico, que era una Eminencia en Endometriosis en Alemania, sabía las causas (ningún médico lo sabe realmente).
Cuando volví a mi casa después de la internación, realmente me di cuenta el nivel de dolor que estaba aguantando durante más de 2 años.
Pero no había sido capaz de expresarlo. De comunicarlo. Ni a mi, ni a la gente que quiero.
Siempre pensé en mi interior que podía y que tenía que aguantarlo. Que yo podía más, aguantar más, hacer más, dar már.
Leí Ginecología Natural, de Pabla Perez San Martín, y especialmente el último capítulo La Matriz Herida, me pegó muy fuerte, no podía parar de llorar.
Me di cuenta de que estaba guardando un rencor hacia mi mamá muy fuerte. Y eso que la quiero muchísimo y que tenemos una relación super cercana, tenía bronca adentro hacia ella, por no haber podido enseñarme algunas cosas cuando estaba creciendo y formando mi personalidad.
Como por ejemplo, cuidarme primero a mi misma. No dejar que otros me lastimen. Ser capaz de pensar en mi misma como alguien que merece ser feliz y estar bien. Valorar y respetar mi cuerpo y sus límites. No dejar que otras personas me pasen por arriba. Ser capaz de hablar. No tener miedo de mi propia voz, de mis propias necesidades, de mis deseos.
Valorar y honrar mi feminidad.
Y después lo vi. Me di cuenta. Mi mamá pasó por lo mismo que yo. Y así la mayoría de las mujeres.
Y después lo vi. Me di cuenta. Mi mamá pasó por lo mismo que yo. Y así la mayoría de las mujeres.
La sociedad nos moldea, para que no confiemos en nosotras misma. Para que busquemos validez fuera de nosotras. Sobre todo en los hombres.
Y si queremos triunfar, tenemos que hacerlo “a lo macho”. De otra manera vamos a terminar en la cocina siendo amas de casa, no?
Y si queremos triunfar, tenemos que hacerlo “a lo macho”. De otra manera vamos a terminar en la cocina siendo amas de casa, no?
Durante años repetí la historia de violencia, de abuso, de maltrato.
No solo la historia de mi mamá.
Sino de la mayoría de las mujeres que conozco. Las que veo. Mis modelos de conducta. Mis modelos sociales. Mi abuela que no pudo concretar su sueño de estudiar Medicina en la Universidad porque sus padres no la apoyaron, como sí apoyaron a su hermano.
El lugar de las mujeres en nuestra sociedad es el de la mujer que es buena con otros, y no se ocupa de ella misma, ni de sus necesidades. Siempre está contentando a los demás. La que no lo hace es una puta, una egoísta, una histérica, una frívola. Una mala madre. Una mujer que necesita descansar, es débil. Una mujer que llora es emocionalmente inestable.
En las más pequeñas y triviales situaciones diarias, las mujeres cedemos nuestro espacio. Nuestro bienestar emociomal a costa de otros.
El lugar de las mujeres en nuestra sociedad es el de la mujer que es buena con otros, y no se ocupa de ella misma, ni de sus necesidades. Siempre está contentando a los demás. La que no lo hace es una puta, una egoísta, una histérica, una frívola. Una mala madre. Una mujer que necesita descansar, es débil. Una mujer que llora es emocionalmente inestable.
En las más pequeñas y triviales situaciones diarias, las mujeres cedemos nuestro espacio. Nuestro bienestar emociomal a costa de otros.
En ese momento no entendía del todo lo que significaba la palabra “mujer”. No entendía que era ser feminista. Ni lo que significaba para mi.
Durante tres semanas tuve que quedarme en mi casa. Por la cirugía. No podía salir, no podía trabajar. TENIA QUE DESCANSAR.
No había distracciones.
Con la ayuda de libros específicos y meditaciones bastante sencillas, empecé a experimentar algo en mi cuerpo que no experimenté con ninguna de todas las drogas que probé en mi vida.
La conexión con la Madre Tierra y mi auténtica feminidad. Es díficil ponerlo en palabras, porque es algo que sentí en el cuerpo. No pasó por mi mente.
Me sentí una con el Universo. Sentí mi magia, mi feminidad: mis poderes, mi sabiduría. Me abrí como una flor a la luz del sol. Y mi cuerpo empezó a fluir con las fases de la Luna. Su energía empezó a tener un lugar prioritario en mi cuerpo. Y empecé a sanar. Empecé a sentir cómo mi cuerpo sanaba.
Me sentí una con el Universo. Sentí mi magia, mi feminidad: mis poderes, mi sabiduría. Me abrí como una flor a la luz del sol. Y mi cuerpo empezó a fluir con las fases de la Luna. Su energía empezó a tener un lugar prioritario en mi cuerpo. Y empecé a sanar. Empecé a sentir cómo mi cuerpo sanaba.
No solo la Endometriosis, sino todo el dolor que acarreaba desde mi niñez.
Dicho sea de paso, mi mamá tuvo una cirugía de emergencia en el Utero la misma semana que me operaron a mi...la conexión entre nosotras y nuestras madres, y las madres de nuestras madres es muy fuerte y está en la Tierra...no es joda!
Cuando mi Ginecologa me recomendó que tomara la pastilla anticonceptiva para evitar que me vuelva la Endomtriosis le dije NO.
Paré. Escuché mi voz interior.
Leí, no las voces de los médicos instruidos en Universidades Patriarcales.
Sino los libros de las mujeres que traen historias de generación en generación. Las mujeres que fueron calladas. Las que fueron quemadas en las hogueras. Las que confiaban en sus cuerpos y en sus hermanas, las que honraban su sangre menstrual.
En esos libros hablan de la Endometriosis como una condición presente en mujeres que no conectan con su voz interior. Que tienden a contentar a todos los demás, menos a ellas mismas. Que sobre-trabajan y dan de más.
En esos libros hablan de la Endometriosis como una condición presente en mujeres que no conectan con su voz interior. Que tienden a contentar a todos los demás, menos a ellas mismas. Que sobre-trabajan y dan de más.
Aprendí que nuestro útero es nuestro centro emocional. Es donde guardamos las experiencias de vida, nuestras emociones.
Y me sentí bendecida.
Me sentía agradecida con mi cuerpo.
Agradecida de poder escuchar a mi cuerpo tan claramente.
Decidí no tomar ninguna medicación. No quería volver a bloquear mis sentimientos, mis emociones, mis estados verdaderos, nunca más.
Cómo decido tratarlo?
♥ Hago meditaciones uterinas todas las mañanas. Es decir, respiro con la conciencia en mi Utero, al menos 15 minutos diarios. Conectando con mi centro emocional y visualizando mis raíces en la Tierra.
♥ Aprendí a confiar en mi intuición. Si siento que algo no es para mi, que no me hace bien, le doy lugar. Los sentimientos son cosas reales!! Es nuestra voz interior diciendonos qué es lo mejor para nosotras.
♥ Aprendí a hacer menos, y a descansar más. Tratando de des-aprender lo que la sociedad nos enseñó como “normal” en cuanto al nivel de actividad que realizamos.
♥ Como sano. Pero en este momento, estoy tratando de no volverme muy obsesiva con eso. Por que también puede ser dañido para el cuerpo.
♥ Hablo sobre estas cosas con mi familia, mis amigos y mi pareja (ah! a través de todo este proceso de sanación personal, pude generar una relación hermosa, con un hombre hermoso y feminista!)
♥ Honro mi sangre y mi ciclo menstrual (podés mirar la otra entrada en el blog para aprender a hacer esto)
♥ Tomo hierbas Ayurvedas, que me receta mi nutricionista. Porque el Ayurveda es una ciencia que entiende que nuestro cuerpo-espíritu está en estrecha relación con la naturaleza, sus estaciones y sus energías.
♥ Aprendí a expresar mis emociones y a ponerle nombre a mis experiencias traumáticas.
♥ No dejo que nadie me maltrate. NUNCA.
Todavía estoy en proceso de entender, aceptar, sentir y sanar.
Es una práctica diaria.
Por ejemplo, como editora, ya no trabajo más de 6 horas diarias.
Por ejemplo, como editora, ya no trabajo más de 6 horas diarias.
Y trato de trabajar desde mi casa, o en un lugar en el que me sienta realmente cómoda y que disfrute trabajar.
Y lo más importante, con gente y en proyectos que sean valiosos e interesantes para mi. Que me hagan crecer a nivel humano.
Todavía estoy aprendiendo, con la ayuda de mis profes de yoga, a escuchar y darle lugar a mi voz interior, que a veces aparece como dolores musculares y tensiones, y a practicar con compasión y paciencia hacia mi cuerpo. Y aceptar que hay días que estoy más cansada o que simplemente quiero hacer menos actividad física.
Todos los días me siento agradecida con mi cuerpo por hablarme.
Y no dejaría que nadie, nunca más, lo calle.
Ni con violencia, ni con medicación.
Si estoy cansada, descanso.
Si tengo hambre, como.
Si tengo calambres en el bajo vientre, paro. Y reflexiono acerca de mi pasado y si es posible que todavía esté guardando algun sentimiento de dolor o de rencor.
Si siento acidez, pienso sobre mi situación actual y si hay algo que no estoy expresando, a mi ó a otros.
El primer paso para sanar, es ponernos en contacto con nuestro dolor interno emocional.
Si no lo hacemos, es probable que el dolor vuelva. Tal vez no en forma de Endometriosis, si tomás la pastilla anticonceptiva, pero lo vas a sentir en algún otro lado. En otra forma.
Porque nuestros cuerpos son sabios. No se callan.
Hablan. Gritan.
Creemos que nuestros cuerpos son nuestros enemigos, cuando nos dicen cosas que son difíciles de escuchar, de aceptar, de reconocer.
Somos nuestro cuerpo.
Tenés la oportunidad de reflexionar sobre tu estilo de vida. Sobre tus relaciones. Sobre el modo en el que te entregás a los demás.
Hoy es revolucionario vivir a tu propio ritmo. Conectar con quién sos profundamente.
Me siento bendecida por mi experiencia con la Endometriosis. Porque me permitió un viaje interior profundo.
Especialmente el cuerpo femenino, es emocional. Es especialmente sensible a la Naturaleza. A sus estaciones y las fases lunares.
Especialmente el cuerpo femenino, es emocional. Es especialmente sensible a la Naturaleza. A sus estaciones y las fases lunares.
El patriarcado nos enseñó a tenerle miedo a nuestros cuerpos, a nuestras emociones, como si fueran algo externo e incontrolable.
¿Cómo sentís las experiencias en tu cuerpo? ¿Te das el tiempo para realmente sentirlas?
¿Cómo sentís las experiencias en tu cuerpo? ¿Te das el tiempo para realmente sentirlas?
Tratá de nombrar las situaciones que te lastiman. Sentilas. Reconocelas y dejalas ir.
Dejá que el flujo energético mueva el dolor, el miedo. No lo bloquees. No lo tapes.
Porque si lo tapas: el sentimiento, la intuición, la sensación, la emoción, van a aparecer como dolor físico o enfermedad.
La relación más importante es la que mantenés con vos misma.
La relación más importante es la que mantenés con vos misma.
Honrala y nutrila todos los días!
Con amor,
iara
Referencias:
- Cuerpo de mujer, sabiduría de mujer. De Christiane Northrup
- Ginecología Natural, de Pabla Perez San Martín.
- Clue App, artículo sobre Endometriosis
Con amor,
iara
Referencias:
- Cuerpo de mujer, sabiduría de mujer. De Christiane Northrup
- Ginecología Natural, de Pabla Perez San Martín.
- Clue App, artículo sobre Endometriosis